I can't write.

I love to write, I want to write... but I can't write.

I think I may need to close this LJ down. Not delete it-- I want to leave everything here that is here. I am happy with what I wrote in the past. I just don't think I can write anything anymore. When I try, I get anxious and agitated. This has been going on for... well, years. I'd start something, or I'd promise to start something, and as I sat down to write, I would start feeling nervous. I'd suddenly remember I had a sewing project to work on, or knitting, or some other productive thing.

I don't know why this is. Maybe it's because I'm rarely alone anymore, and I feel like I have to be social to the people around me. Maybe it's all my life worries (of which there are many) nagging at me all the time, so I live my life in a state of low-level anxiety. Both of those feel like right answers.

I think I'm afraid to let go and be crazy. I'm afraid of how it'll look. I'm afraid of people judging me. I'm afraid of being judged by myself.

Whatever it is, I just can't write anymore. And maybe letting go of this journal, of my writing past, will give me some peace about it. I won't have to feel guilt (which I have, oh yes) over all the unwritten stories, and the people I'm constantly disappointing by failing to write them. It's worth a shot, anyway.

Thank you so much, to everyone who has read and enjoyed and commented and encouraged me. It has meant a lot, and I'm truly grateful. I'd like to say "hey, maybe I'll come back and write again someday!," but I think if I don't close the door, that obligation-unfulfilled feeling will stay around. And I can't carry it anymore.

So thank you again. And goodbye.

Remy

From the Hurt/Comfort Bingo comm. Damn, it's been a while. I say that every time, don't I?

( Bingo card below. I see several things I like... )

Due to a prompt by berseker, I thought I'd post a list of films in my Netflix queue. Apparently "Ondskan" went over well. Hopefully the rest of these will be as good. :)

1. "If..."

Rebellious private school student Mick Travis (Malcolm McDowell) and his friends like to break the rules. Their minor infractions lead to cruel punishments from the faculty, prompting a bloody student uprising against the school system. With its controversial counterculture message, this British satire created a stir at the time of its release. The film received BAFTA nominations and won the Golden Palm at the Cannes Film Festival.

See! It's artistic and stuff! That's why I want to see it! :)

2. "The Magdalene Sisters"

This unflinching drama charts several years in the young lives of four "fallen women" who were rejected by their families and abandoned to the mercy of the Catholic Church in 1960s Ireland. While women's liberation sweeps the globe, these women are stripped of their liberty and dignity and condemned to indefinite servitude in The Magdalene Laundries, so that they may atone for their "sins."

It's always more fun when it's boys. But there's nothing that says we can't write about boys in that situation...

3. "Scum"

Released in 1979 amid a storm of controversy, this stark depiction of life in a British reform school centers on Carlin (Ray Winstone), a young tough determined to take control of his brutal surroundings when he discovers rehabilitation really isn't part of the curriculum. Guards encourage warfare, and violence reigns supreme as Carlin and the other inmates fight to stay alive. Alan Clarke directs; Mick Ford, Julian Firth and Phil Daniels co-star.

*shiver*

4. "Abandoned"

Szabolcs Csizmadia and Tamas Meszaros star in this Hungarian drama based on a horrifyingly true story. Abandoned at an orphanage by his recently divorced father, Aron endures a life full of cruelty and despair, punctuated by beatings from the orphanage staff and ridicule from the other boys. His only friend is his classmate Attila, who helps him discover love and gives him strength to fight back.

This looks almost too sad. I'm not sure I can actually bear to watch it.

5. "Young Torless"

Based on a heart-wrenching novel by writer Robert Musil, this film, directed by Volker Schlondorff and winner of the International Critics Prize at the 1966 Cannes Film Festival, explores what happens when a young man named Thomas Törless (Mathieu Carrière), enrolled at a boarding school in the Austro-Hungarian Empire before the war, does nothing to save a boy (Marian Seidowsky) from constant torture by his classmates.

Another one with the sadness. I think I prefer the angry ones.

6. "The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner"

Colin Smith (Tom Courtenay) is a cynical young man determined to fight the system at every turn. With no interest in school or in the factory job awaiting him, he turns to a life of petty crime alongside his friend Mike. A botched robbery lands the two in reform school where a school official sees Colin's hidden talent. Conflicted and bitter, Colin must decide whether to nurture his ability as a runner or once again rebel against authority.

Oh yay, a positive one! I've seen this book in the library since I was a kid, but never read it. If only I'd known. :)

7. "Bad Education"

Film director Enrique (Fele Martinez) is visited by his childhood Catholic school friend and lover, Ignacio (Gael Garcia Bernal). Ignacio gives Enrique a short story he's written that's a factual account of the molestation he sustained at the hands of their teacher, Father Manolo (Daniel Gimenez Cacho). But as Enrique adapts the story, he uncovers a dangerous web of deceit and revenge in this stark film from Spanish auteur Pedro Almodovar.

I used to have this in my queue, but apparently I deleted it. Oh well, now it's back in.

The following are movies I've already seen, and recommend if you haven't:

8. "Das Experiment"

An artificial prison has been built as part of a psychological experiment in which 20 male participants are asked to take roles as either prisoners or guards. As psychologists watch the results unfold, our focus is on a former journalist who was intrigued by the experiment and volunteered to be one of the prisoners, thinking there might be a big story in it for him. But he ends up getting a lot more than he bargained for. …

My default icon comes from this movie. Need I say more?

9. "American History X"

A California neo-Nazi (Oscar-nominee Edward Norton) gets sent to prison for murder and comes out a changed man. But can Norton atone for his sins and prevent his younger brother (Edward Furlong) from following in his hate-filled footsteps? With searing performances and gut-wrenching realism, American History X offers a compelling and anguishing look at racism, family and forgiveness.

This is a truly great movie.

10. "The Shawshank Redemption"

Upstanding banker Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) is framed for a double murder in the 1940s and begins a life sentence at the Shawshank prison, where he's befriended by an older inmate named Red (Morgan Freeman). During his long stretch in prison, Dufresne comes to be admired by the other inmates for his upstanding moral code and unquenchable sense of hope. Co-stars Gil Bellows and Bob Gunton (who's memorable as the amoral prison warden)."

Still my favorite movie of all time.

I can't believe it's been a year since I posted. A YEAR. I am so made of suck, it is disgusting.

Top reason I suck? People have left me wonderful happy comments in my LJ. AND I HAVE NOT RESPONDED. This is unacceptable. People, if you're still watching me, know that I am going to resurrect ancient comments and reply to them. It is so kind of you to like my work and tell me so, and it is hideously vulgar of me not to respond.

Y'all, I think my writing brain is broken. Seriously. I can hardly hold a thought in my head long enough to tag, much less plot and write a story. I've tried to write the next chapter of Lukas's story more than twice, but each time, it fails.

If my brain ever works again, I do have a long story to wrap up the NCD world. It's awfully hard to write in, as there is so little hope and so much pain. But I think this story would help. If I could get it together.

I don't promise, because I've gotten people's hopes up before and failed them. But if it's there, and if I can ever write for real again, I'll get it down.

In the vein of crack!fic, Heiry and I have begun a new Stuart/Ben pairing. We can't help it. We're addicted. It will not be posted here, but on my insanejournal, as it may end up involving a certain young man in certain adult situations. LJ's delicate sensibilities might never recover.

Valimar Reunion. Yes, Ben is there. How could he miss it?

Any Valimar people who haven't already seen this should click here.

In other news, I apparently deleted every piece of fic I was working on. So if you're waiting for any new NCD stuff... it's going to be a long time. *sigh* What was I thinking?

In happier news, this has the potential to be the most awesome movie ever. Dude, his name is Ben!

In other movie recs, Ondskan (Evil) is totally the story of Kingsgrove. Complete with Keith and Ben. I do not make this shit up. Netflix has it. Rent it.

Maud? Walter? I think we need to see this together. Damn this country between us.

They made a movie of your story! With Shia! How awesome is that?